WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
You Might Also Like
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.