When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.