Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.