*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
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Google reviews are always so mixed..
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
This is my favorite one of these!
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.