The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
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A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL