Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Welcome
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.