Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.