Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
You Might Also Like
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.