My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
i’m sure it’s fine
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”