microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
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Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things