COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase