Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
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Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
ok like just. call me at this point
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”