My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
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guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
This week’s mood.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”