me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.