My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
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falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.