Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
You Might Also Like
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
This kinda thing happens to me often
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.