The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
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A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
A bold strategy
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels