[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
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Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.