People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
You Might Also Like
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*