HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
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When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first