My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My blood type is b hungry.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]