Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
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I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
they really do be looking like this
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
They’re stuck in your pants?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
That 👊
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.