File under excellent bookstore names.
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My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.