a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Florida be like…
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.