guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
You Might Also Like
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”