Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.