TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
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Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
The game has officially changed 😎
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace