Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
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Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
We like the way Dwight thinks
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’