My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
the noise i just made
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*skinny dips into black hole
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being