[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)