It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
birds and squirrels envy us
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.