[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.