You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
You Might Also Like
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”