When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
You Might Also Like
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.