You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”