Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
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People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die