I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I bet birds love this building.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Ironic
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Friday
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.