CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
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I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’