If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
i love modern commerce
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.