[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
You Might Also Like
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”