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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
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A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Okay
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy