[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.