Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
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PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
lol
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly