Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
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My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.