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My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.