Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
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Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.