Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
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I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
me when the borders lift
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”