“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me, reading some of your tweets
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.