On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Who chose this font
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
95% of dentists recommend teeth.