LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
SF is the wild wild west man
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
put ‘er there pardner!
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Vodka burrito was a success
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!